It's funny how the older you get, the less you fill your life with people that do not have a meaningful place in it.  I'm not sure if this happens automatically, or if it is a sign of truly maturing and growing, but I just find myself a lot less tolerant of people in my life that are complete idiots, or those who don't truly care about me, or people I do not truly care about.  Because of this, my circle of friends and family have shrunk considerably over the years, and I guess I'm okay with that.  I am madly in love with my life and the people who are in it.  Sometimes I find myself saddened by the people I have failed to keep in contact with over the years, or the people I talk to very infrequently.  But the people I do love, and I know love me, will always be there, no matter the time and distance between us. 

Oh, and my puppy is the most amazing creature that ever has been created.  I love him so freaking much.  I know that this is sooo cheesy jerry maguire, but Aaron and Tucker-yah, they complete me. 

There's something about Grey's Anatomy and old people losing the love of their life that always makes me cry buckets.  God I love that show.  It may not be the best show, but I love that show.

I have to say something that has been on my mind and a lot of others mind the past few days, that both angers me and breaks my heart at the same time.

Three days ago, when we voted to supposedly take a giant leap foward in ending equality by voting the first black man president, Prop 8 in California, the gay marriage ban, was passed. In Arkansas a prop passed that would make it illegal for homosexuals to adopt children.  The majority of people that voted in favor of these bans, were minorities.  Barack Obama is apparantly opposed to gay marriage as well.  I guess I just don't understand.  I don't understand why eqaulity is only pertinent for ethnicity, skin color, and gender.  I don't understand why two people who love each other and want to make the most beautiful commitment there is to a person is not okay, simply because that person is of  the same gender.  I don't understand why religion is playing such a huge part in a decision that has become part of government, where there is supposed to be a separation between the two.  I don't understand how we can come this far and still have miles to go. 

Thirty states already have gay marriage bans.  Civil Unions  ARE NOT the same.  They do not grant gay and lesbian couples the same rights that married heterosexuals recieve.  This is a basic denial of human rights, something that this country supposedly stands for.  I just don't understand.  I couldn't even fathom knowing that I could never marry the love of my life.  To me, this is the next great rights movment that needs to be addressed.  We need to be campaining for the fight against HATE, we need marches in Washington and peace ralleys and protests. 

Every right that we now have today started with a fight, a fight that sometimes lasted over 100 years.  It took women almost 100 years to get the right to vote, African Americans, much longer.  But this is a different fight.  This is one that is just as important, and more people need to realize this.  Denying marriage and equal rights to a person who is homosexual is denying a basic right that every single person in this world should have.  Yes, God says in the bible that one man should not lay with another man.  The bible says a lot of things that over time we have interpreted as being wrong or out of date.  The bible also says that a women should always be submissive to her man, in a world dominated by the christian right a woman would never be president, hell, Sarah Palin would never have been the vice presidential nominee.  So why is it that we can amend the bible for issues such as woman's rights, but not for gay and lesbian rights? 

We're all equal. Every single one of us.  We are all a memeber of this country.  And while I couldn't be happier that we finally elected the right person to lead this nation, I feel so deeply sad that there are still so many out there who do not view everyone as equal, as a person, as a human being.

I think today is going to be a very emotional day for me. In line at the polls I almost cried several times thinking about what this win could truly mean for America. I cannot wait until tonight when I will order take out, cuddle up with those I love the most, and watch in anticipation of tears to roll down my face. Lets hope they'll be happy ones.

Vote today, people. Just do it. Vote.  Wait in line, skip school, skip work.  More importantly though, know who and why you're voting for who you vote for.  There are a lot of other issues other than the presidency.  Don't vote blindly, there is more than enough info to go around on any canidate or issue you need info on.

GO OBAMA!!!! CHANGE IS ON THE WAY.

1) My computer froze last night and wouldn't turn on this morning and instead of totally freaking out like I wanted I went to the comptuter lab at EMU, and fixed it with the help of the HP trouble shooting page-YAY ME! I really do feel smart about this accomplishment.

2)After texting my dad telling him I fixed it and therefore do not need him to fix it, he texts me back saying "does this mean you don't need me anymore? :(" This kind of broke my heart.

3) ONE WEEK UNTIL THE ELECTION. I could totally vote absentee but I WANT to physically enter in my vote, get my sticker and drink a beer in celebration of the good FINALLY conquering evil

My mother is worthless. Completely and utterly worthless. I pretty much wish at this point that I didn't even have a mom, that would be much better than the continual disappointment that I experience from her.

Oh, and I'm probably going to be homeless for the next two weeks, maybe longer.

MY LIFE IS SO FUCKING GREAT RIGHT NOW.

After a very stressful and expensive morning at the vet (even though it was ten more times as stresful for my poor puppy), I decided I needed some good old fashioned pampering.

I spent $200 on a new hair cut, new make-up, and a brand new purse ($30 on sale from $70 at Urban. whoo!)

Plus I got my make-up done for free at Sephora.

I feel fantastc!

Good thing I don't have to pay rent this month!

Everyone around me is either engaged or married. EVERYONE. A good percentage of my friends from high school, ex-boyfriends (who claimed while we were dating that he didn't believe in love or monogamy, let alone marriage), people from my past I don't talk to often...it's absolutely fucking crazy to me. For some reason I thought that people were getting married later in life these days, but this certainly doesn't seem to be the case to anyone in my world, that is except for me. My boyfriend can barely say the word marriage, and he's older than all of these people I know that have already taken the leap. Now the thing is, I'm not ready to get married right now, Aaron and I have only been dating a little over a year. I'm not graduated from college yet, I'm still working at a restaurant and I don't own a house, or any sort of permanent home. But at the same time, I feel as though the idea that it awaits soemtime in the future would certainly be nice. To me, I equate my boyfriend's fear of marriage with the same former boyfriend who said the same thing, and then two years later became engaged to the girl he began dating a week after we broke up, or maybe sooner. Probably sooner. Maybe if Aaron is afraid of marriage, it means that he doesn't want to marry me. I try not to think about these things but when everyone around you seems to be making this ultimate commitment with the loves of their lives, I think about my love and what that means and what the future holds.

Lately my future has been the biggest game of tug 'o war that I have ever played. First we were moving to the west side of the state, then Denver, then California, then back to the west side of the state, and now maybe we're staying right here in Ann Arbor. This perpetual mind changing is 100% Aaron, every time he changes his mind, I go along with it. I say I'll follow him everywhere, but would he do the same for me? He has such a lax attidude about our relationship, I can never tell if he's really serious about us or if us moving together is merely for convenience instead of a realtionship changing moment that we're ready for. I hear a lot of people say that when you meet the right one, that all of these questions are already answered without you having to think about them, that it's easy, there's a flow, push and pull yada yada...So what I can't t help but thinking is, maybe there's too many questions and too much pushing and not enough pulling for Aaron and I to be right for each other. But on the other hand, I am famously known for over-analyzing everything, maybe all of my questions are unneccessary, maybe my desire to get married is absolutely inappropriate, considering I won't be ready for marriage for at least three or four years. Maybe I should just breathe, and stop worrying so much and live my relationship and be happy.

But the thing is, what if I stop worrying, live my life, and get my shit together, only to find out in three years that Aaron never wanted to marry me at all, only to marry the next girl that comes along. What do I do? I love Aaron, and I truly beleive he and I are meant for each other, but if we want different things now, I don't want to spend the rest of my twenties preparing for a future that might never happen. Aaron never flat out says he never wants to get married, in fact he talks about having kids and a family all the time. But the thing that worries me, is that I am never a part of that equation. Maybe I'm not the right person for him, and he's too comfortable to tell me. I worry too much, I ask too many questions, but when it comes down to it, maybe I need to.

Once upon a time a lost little girl decided to go visit her mother on a warm May Saturday afternoon. Always the one searching for the kind of love that can only be found in the movies and on TV, never in a million years did she think that she would find love in her mother's kitchen. But there he was, black rimmed glasses, lime green button down shirt. She was immediately drawn to him for a reason she was quite unsure of, being literally "the bosses daughter," she wasn't quite sure being set up by her mother was the best idea. But it was. On their first date they shared a pesto and chicken pizza, and from then on, it was love. She had found here movie love she had waited so long for, he was everything she had always wanted.

This is the story of Aaron and I. Sometimes I feel as though it literally could be a fairy tale. On the outside it seems as though we are perfectly in love. And although we are nowhere from perfection, thirteen months later it is still the best relationship I have ever been in, Aaron is the one, hands down, there is no one in this world I ever want to be with.

Aaron and I are moving to Denver, Colorado, we just decided. I couldn't be happier to make this journey with him, but at the same time, I am absolutely scared to death. What if we get out there and we decide that we're not right for one another? I hear so many stories every day about failed relationships. People that have been together for years and years and years and then one day they wake up and BAM they can't stand each other. I don't want that to happen to us, but I am not a relationship expert by any means, I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing to make sure this relationship lasts. And there's this other question that I have been mulling over in my mind lately...are all relationships really meant to last? Just because something has an inevitable end doesn't mean that it wasn't filled with love and meaning (as we have seen with sam and smith in sex and the city) but at the same time, if i'm going to move AGAIN thousands of miles away from everything I know AGAIN, I want to know that this is going to work out.

But no matter what, I can't know. I have to take a chance, and know that our love is strong enough to fight the toughest of battles. I want to marry this man, have children and a family with this wonderful, strong, passionate man. So I have to believe that although our love is not a fairy tale, it is not Carrie and Big or Ross and Rachel, it is Aaron and Alex, and we can do this. We can start our life, we can make it work.

So Aaron and I have been dating for almost a year, and he's really starting to try and figure out what his future is going to be. He's graduated from law school, passed the bar examn, and has a crappy job in a small law firm (working for my step-dad, which is actually how we met). He wants to move out of Michigan where he will be guaranteed to make almost double what he is making now, plus benefits and vacation. I believe in Aaron and I know he can do anything he wants to do, and I encourage him to apply for jobs and put himself out there.

So the question lies, what about me? What is my plan and do I fall in with his? If I decide to get a teaching degree, I have two years of school left at the least, if not, I can graduate in a year, if I work really, really hard. But still, Aaron plans on taking the Illinois bar exam in July, and he will find out if he passes in September. He could have a new job lined up by the end of the year if he is really lucky. We have both talked about it and wherever he goes, he wants me to come with him. But what does that mean for my future? If I decide to graduate without a teaching degree, I'll have to get one in Illinois, which will be twice as expensive, and might take twice as long. If I stay here and graduate in two years Aaron and I will be long distance for a year at least, which is something that I'm not really sure I could ever do, considering in the entire time we've dated we've only been apart from each other for maybe two days at the most. So I'm faced with the dilema that has plagued women since the beginning of time-do I choose the man, or the career? If I left with Aaron in a year I would still probably have the career, it would just take who knows how long.

I think about this almost everyday because the more classes I take each semester, the closer I get to actually graduating, and I'm afraid that if we "see how it goes" by the time he actually gets the job I'll be too close and it just won't be practical for me to leave. I love him so much, I know he's the one, so what's one year apart? And then there's the part of me that thinks that two years isn't that long either, and Aaron should just wait for me so that we can both move with a career in mind, and we will be equal in terms of what we bring financially to the relationship (I mean, for the most part, lawyers make WAY more than teachers, obviously).

All I know is what I see in head; images of Chicago, a little apartment in Wrigleyville, a golden retriever, and us.

Interesting how much has changed in a year!

Being in a relationship inevitably means one thing; you will be compromising, and often. No two people will be able to agree on every little decision all the time. At some point to make the person you love happy, you must give a little to get a little. This can be something as small as having steak for dinner instead of fish, or watching 'Die Hard 4' instead of whatever romantic comedy is out at the moment. Or, it could be something like giving up hanging out with all of your friends on New Years Eve in lieu of hanging out with people that your boyfriend feels more comfortable around, his friends. He made the compromise to not go to Denver to spend the holiday with you, so you need to not be selfish and give up a little as well. Right?

I feel like in the last eight months all of these compromises have been insignificant compared to the amount of sheer joy I get from my relationship. And that's the point, right? In life you will never be able to have your cake and eat it too, apparantley. Part of being a grown-up is realizing that in order to be happy you have to accept that you will never be able to get everything you want. Giving up something here and there for the sake of your relationship is imperative in order to keep both parties happy.

Unless what you want is to be alone, and then of course you can always have everything you want. And that's the thing. Some people, especially men, stay single for years and years because they are unwilling to compromise their lifestyle. They want to be able to go where they want, sleep with who they want, and not worry about what a significant other wants or needs. This is another reason why a lot of men never want to get married. All of this compromise, forever and ever and ever. But the more I think about compromising, the more I feel like there has to be some kind of happy medium. There has to be a way to not give up things I feel like are a part of me without losing a part of him, right?

But I'll tell you one thing I know for sure. There's not much I wouldn't compromise for Aaron. Maybe there is a happy medium, maybe there isn't. I suppose I have the rest of our relationship to try and figure that out. But right now I'm just so happy having someone that I love more than anything. I have someone to go to sleep with every night, someone to say good morning to, someone to snuggle with on the couch at night, and more than anything, someone to have to make compromises for. I want Aaron to be as happy as he makes me everyday, and if this means giving up a few things here and there then I will do that, because I plan on being in this relationship for a very long time.

My new year's resolution will be to save $200 every month until I graduate from college. With that money I will plan the trip to Europe that I have always dreamt about. I hope I can to it!

I'm knee deep in work for school, work for work, and not enough money, as usual.

It's very interesting how there are certain aspects in my life that I still often wonder about, things that went wrong, things that may have even went right. It's funny how sometimes you can never get the answers you hope you always had. All you can do is assume, or try not to think about these things at all. What am I talking about? I have no idea, really.

Thanksgiving weekend was amazing. I went to Saugatuck, Mi where Aaron's family lives for three days of nothing but turkey, movie watching and guitar hero playing. I am so crazy in love, everyday I feel so lucky to be where I am. I may not have everything, but what I do have I am so very grateful for. Hopefully soon we'll be getting a boarder collie puppy that we plan on naming 'Ron Mexico,' and if you knew Aaron, you would think that the name will fit perfectly.

I should be doing my homework right now, but instead, of course I'm making excuses and doing absolutely nothing.

I am so happy right now. I can't believe it. I hope I always, always, feel this way.

I have entirely too much time on my hands and yet, not enough time at all.

I wish I had more money; it would be nice to actually buy something for more than $40 that I don't need. Items such as a TV, a trip to the Virgin Islands with my boyfriend, and perhaps a bed, for example.

School is easy so far, but it is just the beginning and is certain to get harder. I'm already thinking too far into the future and wishing I was done already.

I'm not speaking to my mother, and she hasn't made an effort at all to remedy this situation. As time goes on I realize more and more that her role as my "mother" has been more figuritve than literal and that maybe I don't really need her, or her pig-headed husband in my life anymore, ever. Although, since my boyfriend is rather fond of said pig-head husband, as well as being his boss, I will just continue on non-speaking terms and I'm sure they will continue not caring that I am not speaking to them.

I fall more and more in love everyday, and when it comes down to it, no day can be a bad day, because no matter what, at least I have that.

For the first time in over six years, I can honestly say,

I am in love.

And to make life even more amazing, for the first time in over six years, I am loved just as much by a wonderful, wonderful man.

It's amazing how when something is right, it just works. I know now. What it feels like to be in something real, and genuine, and special. I haven't been this happy, maybe ever.

It seems as though EVERY paycheck I am dishing out money for something that I can't afford. Either I get ANOTHER ticket for something such as ALMOST rolling a stop sign, which happened this morning. Or, my car battery breaks and I have to buy a new one. Or, my roommates leave the apartment a mess and I have to pay for a cleaning fee. And lets not forget the one hundred dollars a month I have to pay both my dad and my step-dad. I was looking at my bank statement and besides bills that I have to pay, NOTHING is a purchase under 35 dollars. All my purchases are gas, food, and things I NEED from Target. I don't even go to the bar anymore, and if I do I only have one beer, which is nothing compared to what I used to spend. Plus, in the next month I have to pay for all of my books for school, as well as $700 towards my new apartment, oh, and I don't have a bed. I DON'T HAVE THE MONEY FOR THIS!!!!!

I am just so god damn sick of this. To work and work and work and never even have enough money to buy something I actually do need, like new contacts, or a yearly doctors exam. I can never treat myself and buy something nice, because that means I won't be able to pay my bills this month. I literally get my paycheck and with-in two days I am down to less than $200. It's pretty much impossible for me to save anything. And it doesn't make anything worse that really bad things just keep happening to me. I feel like a complete loser that my boyfriend is about to start having a LAWYERS salary and I'm going to be a waitress for many, many years to come. I don't want to be one of those women who needs their man to take care of them. I want to be taken care of because I know I can take care of myself.

Those people, who have their parents help them out for their entire young adult life, I envy so much right now. I wish that my parents would help me just a little, you know, to pay for the things that I really do need, like said doctors appointment, or maybe even the $300 a year it costs for health insurance through Eastern. But instead, I have a mother that says "Oh honey, I'm sorry, I'm already helping your sister with school." Too bad, I lose because my fucking mother decided to pop out more than one god-damn child. Not helping me means she can still afford to buy a new Chanel purse this month, so go mom! I won't be that kind of mother, I'm already not that kind of person. I won't make my children struggle and have horrible credit and be forced into making horrible decisions just because I decided to teach them life lessons by making them go to both school and work full-time. There must be a way to have both. It's just not fair. I know life isn't supposed to be fair. But it's just so fucked up. If my parents were so set on throwing me out on my ass, they should have at least prepared me for it better.

Being broke is the most frustrating, powerless feeling a person can ever possibly have.

I think that, like Jack on 'Lost,' I have an inate instinct to want to fix things, and especially people. I hear stories, (of which I am sure is mostly hear-say, but still) about people that used to be close to me, stories that hurts my heart because it is so painfully obvious that they are hurt, still hurting, always have been hurting. And I want to help, I want to be the one that they talk to, after all this time, I still want to be the person to make them happy. But that's not who they want me to be and they never did. So, I need to learn to let things go when people do not let me into their hearts. I'm working on it, but I'm not sure if I'll ever really be able to forget.

What am I talking about? I don't know.

Things have been going pretty great. I have been going to bed earlier, and therefore waking up earlier as well. I have been exercising on a regular basis and have been drinking far, far less. I'm starting school in the fall (I hope, it is still not final until the bill is paid), and I have a boyfriend who adores me and who I adore equally, if not more. I'm in a rare point in my life where I have very little to complain about (except for maybe my step-father threatening to sue me). I'm moving in with my Dad for a month, until I move into a new apartment, closer to downtown Ann Arbor, in September. I'm almost 23, and I feel as though things are starting to come together, I am growing up, and I feel as though for the first time in my life I am on the path that I have been searching for the last five years.

I hope all is well with everyone who may read this, even if I don't see or talk to you, I assure you, you are often in my thoughts.

Last night, for the first time in my life, someone bought  a toothbrush, to keep in my house, that will sit next to mine.  

And I'm happy.

He's amazing.  More amazing than any amazing I've ever experienced before in my life.  

And I'm happy. 

Last night I made the same mistake that I've made over and over and over and fucking OVER again.  I know how much it hurts and I know how wrong and bad it is but I just did it anyways, I didn't even think for a second about how fucking stupid I would be for doing it.  I always said that I had learned my lesson and I would never make that mistake ever again, but obviously my mother was right, obviously I wasn't capable of doing the right thing.  

I think I'm going to take the two vicadin in my purse and drown my sorrows and my stupidity.